Only a few days left...

...before I have to go back to Ohio. Being home has been so nice in ways, but in ways I am happy to go back. I have actually been really bored here the past few days. A person can only sit around for so long I think before it drives you nuts.
   I feel like I need to find something to do. I could work, but there are reasons I am not right now. I have bad anxiety problems, and it is a million times better than it was before, so my doctor wants to try to get me put on disability. ssd or whatever its called. He says he doesn't think I could work comfortably so I guess they are going to try to help me get put on it for now, but the main reason I am going along with it is because if I do get out on I can go back to school for free through this program in Ohio, and I definitely want to finish my education.
   I have almost been clean 9 months now. That's a big deal for me and I am proud of it. I am doing so well and I am happy. I still have a rough time mentally dealing with all the things/people I have lost. That is probably the hardest thing for me is dealing with the losses and the personal shortcomings. I have to make sure I keep myself emotionally stable and available or things can turn bad quickly for me. When I go into a hole and hide and no one hears from me and I won't respond to anyone that is always a bad sign. I don't exactly know what causes that within me. Maybe I can't control it. But whether I can is not. I can control my actions whether I can control my feelings or not, and I am very proud of the way I have been conducting myself as of late.
   I will write more soon. I have no idea if anyone ever even reads this but if you do, thank you for listening. I know I can be scatterbrained at times..

Josh

12/22/12

I have a lot on my mind tonight. As usual, and especially while I am at home, I have been thinking about my mom. Her name was Penny Lou Mink. She passed away of breast cancer when I was 21. It was a little over 3 years ago. I miss her so much. She was always the kindest person I knew. She was always more worried about others than herself and always had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. She was the kind of person that was always rooting for me; she was never negative, and the glass was always half full in her eyes. I remember when she told the family she had breast cancer we all fell apart, and she was the one telling US it would be OK! She tells us she has cancer and we end up crying on her shoulder instead of the other way around. She brought all of our family together. Every time I get together with extended family we always end up telling at least one story about Mom. It's crazy how even though she has passed she is still bringing us all close together. It may sound crazy but I believe she is still with us in spirit. Since she has been gone I have made it through some really tough times in which I am not sure I could have had she not been here watching over me. She was definitely the most special lady I have ever met in my lifetime. It just worked out she was also my mother! I am seriously luckier than anyone can ever know. Well that wraps it up for tonight/this morning (4AM) I think. If you didnt know her I hope to let you have a little better idea of who she was by the time I am done with this blog. I'll write more in the morning/afternoon. :) thanks for reading!
jMink